it never dawned on me to use this as a safe haven for thoughts,
but then again that is what it has always been.
in lew of recent events i have come to realize that
my trust is a far more precious jewel than my love
could ever be.

trust is given after every fiber,
every choice,
has been thoroughly examined
under a microscope.

love is given freely,
never truly thought out
or calculated.

trust is revoked within moments.

love ebbs but returns with the tide.

my trust is delicate
and it is no toy.
there is a certain calculated precision
to my trust
which keeps me from what could help me
or hurt me more than i've ever known.

i love many
in various degrees,
whether platonic,
sororerly,
or romantic.

in all truths i am a closet romantic
and that is fine with me.

i'm not sure if i've ever felt
a love for someone that was in a romantic sense,
but i think i may have.
it took nearly two and a half years
for me to admit that i might have,
but now i don't know.

i treat most guys as if they are bad dogs,
exact words and a little smack on the hand
fixes everything,
but he is the cute puppy who peed on the carpet
and looks so sad and guilty
that i pick it up and shower it in affection.

i like him more than i did the other,
but the secrets we keep make me dizzy.
i will never inspect him thoroughly,
cause i am too wrapped up in my own insecurity.
he makes my pulse quicken.
he makes me laugh.
he makes my skin tingle with every touch,
and in the heat of the moment
we are the only ones that exist.

is that love,
adoration,
infatuation,
or possibly lust?

with him i may never know,
but everything has come to this
and i don't know what i should do anymore.

mood: unsure music: i don't wanna know - new found glory tags: lust trust love

i don't really know what to say now days,
how to feel at all.
I guess I just am unsure about so many things.
Uncertainty twists in my mind&
I'm left feeling naive.
Does the feeling of 'unknown' truly make me
ignorant?
Wouldn't that ignorance give me bliss?
I don't seek that happiness though,
I'd rather find truth&redemption
at the end of the road.
I'm caught between who I was&
who I want to be,
but there is no knowing where
life will lead.
All I can do is close my eyes&
follow the shadowed silhouettes
until the last dream finally breaks.
It's a childish dance, I know,
but I can't stop&I won't stop again.

music: say it like you mean it - matchbook romance

It's a little presumptuous when someone jumps to conclusions,
twisting words into a peculiar angle
that causes waves of uncertainty&rage
to boil in the veins
of a discontented heart.

I'm a little tired,
a little bit sick.

I wish time could
just zoom by
so that it wouldn't be such a
painstakingly long way
out of this hell hole.

But wishes of the sort
never truly happen,
come true.

Make a wish&tell
me what you want,
because I can't
change if
I don't know where
I'm going, nor the
steps that I must take
to become
what you want.

If it is needed that
I must fall apart,
so be it.
Take my hand&take
it away.

music: take it away - the used

i'm tired.
i'm sore.
i feel beaten.
i'm bored.

these eyes won't close.
the retinas burn.
these lips are cracked,
chipped&torn.

pale skin
covered in
the disfiguring
sins.

trapped in a daze,
of smoke&mirrors
that warp the mind's
eyes and enrapture
the dull glaze
of life.

mood: bruised&tired music: february -a thorn for evvery heart

my arm stung.
my teeth gritted.
my eyes slitted.
my jaw clenched.
the skin's heat was emitted.

i refuse to cry over a petty hit i deserved for my action.
we refuse to talk but her mouth keeps moving.

no relationship until i apologize?
that's always a lie,
because she can't stay away longer than twenty minutes.

i want to leave.
sometimes it pains me.

it would be so much better if we didn't speak.
if we didn't smile.
if she didn't breath.

cold, cruel,
&calculating?
perhaps.

:but that's the only mechanisms i have left:

mood: resentful&tired music: if i fall -amberpacific

3 weeks in 1 day.
3 weeks of work every day for for 5 days&1 week of work 1 day.
all that work&no play with a vulture craning it's neck over my shoulder.

no friends.
no life.
no time.
no privacy.
no anything.

lots of work&no pay.
lots of work&no play.

that makes me a:
dull
angry
testy
sleepless
aggravated
deprived
morally decaying
bitch

ain't i a fun one to be near for at least a week?

mood: schemeing&screaming music: could have been there -god or julie

sleep hasn't been coming easily&all i can feel is that formidable foe,
the loneliness that once consumed me.

i don't want to be bitter once more, an acerbic tongue, no one close to me.
no one leaves, but everyone is gone.
shadowed faces with cut out tongues.
words can't touch the hearing impaired.
eyes fall useless to the ones who stay near.

in the air sits the lingering silence,
a quiet buzz of static.
the smell of loneliness hangs in the air,
turning stale quickly.

"am i going to be tonightless again?
all of the loneliness has got to end,
i know the years have been so bittersweet,
but you don't have to go so please don't leave."

mood: absorbed&inundated music: tonightless -eighteen visions

i never really thought it was as brutal as it was.
i never knew that her punishment was completely unjust.
i never knew she didn't treat my sister's the same.

just the other day i was told,

"If she hit me as hard as she hits you i would be bruised."

is it okay to think that it's not abuse that she just acts that way with me.
that she'll hit me&yell at me for no apparent reason.
is it all right that i never want to be home, that i'm afraid to go upstairs when she calls?

you'd never know.
you' never see the hits i take.
because they're inside&i don't bruise so easily.

thank god for the thick skin he bestowed upon me.
thank god for my sisters who want to save me.
thank god for the friend who stabilize me.

but even with them, things will never change.

mood: ignorant&oblivious music: face down -the red jumpsuit apparatus

i never thoroughly sorted the thoughts that pressed upon my mind.

i think back now&wish that some changes could be made,
a form of edit.

there's no reason to be afraid when you don't care though

to be fearless means to be a daredevil of sorts,
no precautionary measures needed.

would it be better to be afraid&cautious or fearless&endangered?

mood: lethargic.yet.restless music: scar-missy higgins

i'm not entirely sure of what is going on.

the world is more surreal as time passes, like a macabre dream, a nightmare of sorts.

sleep is no longer an option, it makes me wonder if everything i see is real, or lies concocted by my mind.

the less i sleep the worse it gets, the more i sleep the more assured i am that it might not be real.

if you could watch everything and never be there would you dare take that chance?

lying seems to barely get me by anymore.

possessions don't make me happy any longer.

they almost seem like a bribe for me to love
.something or someone.
that won't love me back.

.but can i really live like that.

mood: uncertain music: pieces -sum41

if the end was so close you cold taste dried blood on your lips, would you end it?

if you just wanted to lay down and hoped everyone would forget, should you still hold on?

if your falling apart and no one is there to put back the pieces, would you dare find strength?

if you had a choice, where would you go?

if you knew the lips and hips you'd press against, who would you choose?

if you periodically did not sleep, would you force pills down your throat?

should you hang on when it's already gone
or
say good-bye for the last time

mood: wondering music: say your last good-bye -god or julie

i'm tired.
so very tired.
my eyes are heavy and my chest is heaving.

the bile is rising and my head is pounding.

it's like the end of your life, when you can remember all details down to the exact curl of the lip, the precise scar that is now on your knees.

if you just take a moment to look back what do you see?

i see the people that manipulated me, changed me into who i am.
they formed me in a way, a certain amount of influence oozing from the pores and soaking into my mind.

if i could go back and change the days, i would seize the day i remember everything and burn it.

mood: tired&irrate music: sunday drivE -the early november